New beginnings, old demons
by Acteaus
Summary: Commander Joshua Shepard finally has time to take some much needed rest With his love Miranda Lawson. However when old wounds resurface and dark memories emerge can Joshua put his past behind him? Or will they set in motion a personal mission of vengeance
1. Chapter 1

His eye's began to adjust. What looked like a street soon became clear he was back home on Mindoir Noticing his hands were bound and on his knees he realized he had been captured.

The deafening noise of a chant only saying a name that was unclear echoed though the now destroyed colony. Josh looked to see he father before him, On his knees also. Broken battered and bruised what was once a strong proud man hand been reduced to a ruin.

Their eyes locked Josh heard words coming from his mouth but they were disoriented and muted. A man appeared face blurred as if not meant to been seen went behind his father. The chants became louder and louder.  
A word escaped his mouth. Still unclear it was hard for him not knowing his fathers last words. Time began to slow as the knife plunged in to his throat going from ear to ear. A roar escaped Josh's mouth.

"NOOOO!" He rose from his bed dripping and covered in sweat. His chest was beating at a pace as if he had just ran a marathon.

"It's okay it's okay I'm here." Miranda was right at his side. Smoothing his drench back with her hand she waited for him to calm. Silence filed the bedroom of the cabin in the resort the were staying at.

"Sorry" Was all he could say still out of breath. He began to run his hand through his short blonde hair as he struggled to catch his breath.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Your here with me and I could not be happier no matter what. Do you want to talk about it?" She said as she wrapped her arms around his chest. She tried to make eye contact but his hands were covering his face in anger, frustration and depression.

"Whats there to talk about. Every night is the same I see him dying in front of me helpless to do anything!" With a long sigh Josh through his legs of the bed and went to the bathroom.

Miranda got out of the bed and placed a hand on the bathroom door. She just wanted to help Josh by taking all the nightmares away. He had been through so much and helped so many people including her he deserves peace.  
He began to run a shower placing both hands adjacent on the sink he stared into the mirror. _You did everything you could. Did I? Yes you did!_ His hands began to clench at the sink. All his anger fear and other emotions that seemed clouded to described were flooding out of him.  
He stopped the shower and opened the bathroom door deciding it was not what he needed. As opened the door Miranda staggering onto him from leaning on it.

"I..uh..sorry it's just.." As she finished her sentence Josh just kissed her. The pair stood and shared one an others love for each other while the planets moon shone on them both and illuminated Miranda as if she were a god send and to Shepard she was.

After minute or so of kissing Josh broke off.

"Thank you for helping me. I know it's hard you don't want to spend your shore leave looking after me. I.. sorry." He began to walk when Miranda grabbed his hand and placed hers on each of his cheeks.

"Don't talk as if you're not worth nothing. I love you and I want to help you anyway I can. please don't shut me out."

Josh could see a single tear escape Miranda's piercing sapphire eyes. He caught it with his thumb and rested his forehead on hers.

"I remember a time when it was you pushing me away I'm glad that changed." A small smile formed around Miranda's lips. "I'm not trying to push you away. After being alone for so long you get used to dealing with your problems by yourself. I guess me and you know that better than anyone." Miranda thought to herself. _You can say that again_."Now though I have you and I couldn't be happier. I need to take a walk I'll be back later."

"A walk at this hour if your going then I'm coming too." she said as she followed him into the living room.

The living room had windows surrounding its entire area exposing the small forest surrounding the cabin. The kitchen was joined with the living room and had a dining table in it were the couple would often share breakfast. Josh stooped as they made their way through.

"No please I need to be alone." He said as he threw on some cloths

Miranda stood still and felt as if she was not wanted. Ever since being with Shepard she had become more open with her emotions. A trait he was happy he could expose. Usually it would be Miranda needing help from him however since he had awoken from his injury's Shepard has become more vulnerable and in need of aid. This is something he did not like showing. He believed it was a weakness and would not want Miranda to seem him like it but she would and being as stubborn as him would try her best to help.

"I just need a bit of space when I get back will talk. I feel a bit trapped and need to run of the frustration I'm feeling now. Please understand I love that want to help me really I do! I just got to do this okay?"

"Okay I will be right here when you get back." Miranda said as she sat on one of the living room arm chairs legs crossed along with her arms. She knew that pushing him now was not the right thing to do. He would tell her what was going on in his own time. Shepard knelt on one knee and reached for her hand to which she took.

"Miri I can't tell how long I have wanted us to be together. To have peace in my life is idea I never believed possible. That was until I met you. I know you know all my history but I would like to tell what really happened if you want?"

Miranda sat up and pulled Josh in for a long passionate kiss. Just to solidify how much he meant to her. Three years ago Miranda never would have thought it possible to have found someone she could be so open to. After Shepard's constant visits and sincere words she began to have emotions for the Commander but would try her best to suppress them. As time went on and the suicide mission became dire and dire she finally gave in to her emotions which to this day she is happy for doing.

"Whenever your ready I may not be the best with for advice but I'll what ever I can to help you get through this."

"I think you being her is more than enough for me." In some shorts and N7 t-shirt. Josh left the cabin and went for a jog around the lake that seemed to draped around the cabin and its many tree's surrounding the area.

Miranda decided to go over reports on Earths condition. Repairs seemed to be going well for both the planet and the relays. It had been three months since the end of the war Shepard had asked Hackett to pardon Miranda which Hackett agreed too. Although Miranda did even more she offered assistance with Earth. However with the relays being out of action Hackett gave him and the Normandy's crew shore leave. Miranda found a suitable place for her and Josh to stay and relax for a couple of months.

Yet just like the war Shepard had obligations to attend to. He wanted to thank many people for their efforts and sacrifices that was a duty and an honor which Miranda loved about him. Also attending ceremonies which included his own as well as funerals really took its toll on him.  
Miranda could see how draining it was to be awarded so much when he did not want it. Josh never felt special just another soldier in another war. However the Council made him their poster boy of the Galaxy. Every where he went he would see vids, ads and bulletins of how Commander Shepard saved the Galaxy.  
It infuriated him so many gave so much to defend their planets, families and home yet there he was getting all the credit. He asked her often why he was so important. Miranda didn't really have an answer for why they believed he was so special. But she told him why he was so special to her. This always cheered him up but the question would always eat away at him.

Jogging for over fifteen minutes now Josh was thinking also about the months past. The question began to arise again. One day something made him realize just what was really going on.

_A small boy ran up to Josh and hugged him. He was taken back a bit. The boy said thank you to him for bring back his father he looked up and seen a man with his arm around his wife._  
_Looking at the man Josh seen himself in away. This man without a moment's hesitation would die for his wife and child much to how he would for Miranda. He saluted to Shepard and said. Sir thank you very much. Because of you I can see my son grow up and be with my wife again. Josh shook his hand and said. No thank you. If it were not for men like you that held the line and defended are of us would be here today. I didn't bring you back to your family you did_.

After that day he understood why it was important for him to be known in such away. It was not because he was the best Humanity had to offer or because he ended the war. It was because everyone needed a symbol, A beacon of hope that would shine in the dark. The Reaper's were theses ancient machines capable of uncountable power.  
Yet there stood a man who had killed more than one and who had defied death. Hackett told him that every war has its heroes. These men were not heroes because they were the strongest or killed many. They were called heroes because they inspired those around them. At that defining moment Josh understood now why he was known for what he had done. But when someone would thank him he would simply thank them back one soldier did not win this war it was a united galaxy.

However there was another reason he would remember that soldier and his family. Josh wanted a future with Miranda he said it himself that it would never be easy but he would always want her in his life. Hell he wanted more he wanted a home a family things he had lost once before but would fight tooth and nail for again. Miranda was with Josh that day she saw the couple with their son. He could sence she was looking closely the boy and his mother. They haven't really spoken much of that day although he would like to bring it up to her when the time was right.

Heading back for the Cabin his head began to strain. His vision became blurred and voices were heard. People screaming and shouting echoed through his mind. The pain was excruciating Josh fell to the ground both hands on his head rolling over and over begging for what ever was happening to him to stop. Images of family and friends dead around him spread through his now closed eyes. Blood covered the walls and doors across the scenery resembling hell. Feeling his strength failing Josh dialed his omni-tool with what ever ounce of it he had left.

Deep in thought about the situation that Shepard was in Miranda could not believe how far she and he have come. Three years ago she was one of Cerberus's best operatives, Always keeping to herself and being the professional. Now she was the savior of the galaxy's girlfriend. A title that she was proud of and that many would want. Sitting still waiting in the arm-chair for Josh to return she closed her eyes and listened to the smooth motion of the lake adjacent to their cabin.  
Smiling to herself for picking the perfect spot. Josh seemed to like it she remember when they first arrived he picked her up in his arms and kissed her. Which she was all to happy obliged. Snapping from her peace Miranda heard the beeping of her omni-tool from the bedroom. Fetching it she answered.

"Shepard is everything...OH GOD! Josh!...Josh can you hear me." Miranda was in complete panic. "Hold on honey."

Shepard awoke to several voices speaking to one another. He could obviously tell the loudest was Miranda.

"Don't you see he needs help! I can't believe we let it go on this long." Her tone was not a nice one.

"Miranda I know this is difficult but we have to let him do this on his own." Josh recognized the second voice it was Doctor Chawkwas.

"Ms. Lawson he's a soldier. Soldiers have nightmares." The third was an old rugged voice but it was unmistakably Admiral Hackett.

"SOLDIER! he's not a soldier he's a human being. We all know these are not nightmares I found him curled in to a ball shivering! Why do people always make him out to be this superman that can do anything. He just one bloody man. One man who deserves peace for once in his life."

A huge wave of love came over him when he heard the care and concern Miranda had just shared with them. _I can't believe she stood up for me like that. What really Damn Shepard you're an Idiot._ I should probably let them know I'm awake. "Umm do you mind keeping it down a tad bit." Josh said as he rose from his bed.

The trio all humped a little and looked towards the Captain rising up.

"Hey how are you feeling?" Miranda's tone had instantly switched from ice queen to loving girlfriend. As she came closer to Shepard's side.

"I'm fine but what is the Doc doing in our bedroom? And why is the Admiral on vidcom? Wait Garrus? Seriously what the hells going on."

"I have to get back to the fleets Shepard I will contact you later. I apologies. "

"Yes sir" _Yeah nice move. _He thought to himself as Hackett's hologram disappeared. "So whats going on?"

"Captain what do you remember about last night?"

"I was returning from my jog when I got this head ache..." As he was saying this he could feel his head ache once more and the voices or tortured soles made their presence known. _No not this again! Never! I'm not reliving that again!_

"Josh whats wrong?" Miranda ask her tone as soft as ever when she was concerned for him. She could see he was in distress.

_Shit think quick Shepard. You don't want her to know what happened. _

"I..keep hearing I don't know..these voices." He said trying his best not to lie completely he was hearing voices or rather screams. Both Miranda and the Doctor looked at one another with confusion.

"What do the voices say Shepard?" The doctor asked as Miranda made her way to Josh's side on the bed and held his had for comfort. Garrus just stood in the corner staying silent no one seemed to notice him.

"I..don't know Listen I'm really tired and right now I just want some time to relax. So if you don't mind I like some privacy." Shepard ran his hand through his short dark blonde hair. He would often do this when stressed or anxious a sign Miranda has picked up on.

"Hmm well I will stay close by near the resort as to not disturb you both. However I will be here in a moments notice if you condition changes."

"Thanks Doc but I don't want to ruin your shore leave."

"Ha Shepard I am always on call especially to you and this young woman next to you."

Laughing Miranda got up to escort Doctor Chawkwas out. "Thank you Karin. I appreciate the help. He is being his stubborn self as usual he would never accept help willingly." The pair began to laugh.

"Ughh right here." The two women looked at him. Josh was happy to see Miranda laugh even, if it was at him he was grateful none the less. It made him think she was to distracted to see the mask he had just put up to not concern anyone.

"Well I shouldn't keep you both call me if you begin to understand or recognize any of your dreams Shepard."

"Will do thanks Doc." _Dreams yeah right._

Miranda escorted the Doctor out of the main bedroom and through to the living room door Garrus also followed with them.

"Well what do you think caused it? I'm getting very concerned Karin to the point were I believe it's best he knows everything."

"Miranda I know it's difficult but he has to let his mind open up to what ever it is that's doing this to him. As far as I can tell the work we did when we recovered him seems to have helped his healing rate but has increased his brain waves. They seem to be drawn to the recurring event and by the sound of it is not a pleasant one."

"So you believe the enhancements to his cybernetics are what are causing these problems?" Miranda became very worried feeling it was her fault for the pain Josh was in. When retrieving his body he was in very bad shape. His implants he received from Cerberus were almost destroyed. Thinking quickly the Doctors along with Miranda and Chawkwas decided to enhance and fit in new upgrades to help heal and restore him.  
Now Shepard is stronger faster and smarter. Pretty much all of his attributes have been upgraded tenfold. All with out his knowledge.

"No I believe the cause of the nightmares or rather past visions are him. In fact I believe he is hiding something, he seemed hesitant to answer our questions earlier." Miranda was thinking the same thing and about to speak up when Chawkwas continued. "All his life he has been on the go. Fighting and helping others for many years. Now that he has time to slow down and take some much-needed rest his past demons so to speak are making their presence known."

"But what could be causing theses reactions? Why would he hide anything from us? I did sense he was dodging are questions and didn't make eye contact with me." With a long sigh and her hand on her forehead Miranda began to pace.

"Miranda getting worked up will not help. Theses experiences are happening because of some form of PTSD. My professional opinion..He is remember a certain event in his life that has been blocked out for so long it is causing him more pain."

"I can't seem to figure out a point in his life where he has been that vulnerable. How can that be? I spent two years learning all about the man!" Miranda's patience was wearing thin. She so desperately wanted to help Josh and give them both some time for one another. Not more pain and distress.

"I think you do know what is causing these reactions. You have seen all his records and personal history. When has Shepard been so defenseless and scared? When in all his life has everything been taken from him." The Doctor said staring straight in to Miranda's eyes. At first she was confused then it became more and more apparent until Garrus spoke up.

"Mindoir"


	2. Chapter 2

**Note: I did change some of the details of the Colonist background. I just felt I could make a better story if Shepard was the only known survivor. Therefor in this story it's less cannon and more of my interpretation of th****e events that follow his life.**

It all made sense. Mindoir the one place where a boy saw his entire family his entire life wiped out by Batarian raiders. It's incredible to think how such a boy could have survived such an atrocious event.  
Let alone show no signs of distress up until now. One word could change a persons viewpoint in a second and when Garrus uttered the home of Shepard Miranda's fears were true and it made perfect sense.

"Yes" The Doctor confirmed that Garrus was correct.

"I was worried you would say that. Doctor what exactly happened at Mindoir? All of the reports I read say that Batarian raider's ransacked and destroyed the colony." Miranda asked knowing very little of the event.

"Well I am afraid I do not know. You see no one actually knows what the details where of the attack. Alliance reports say exactly what you do. Batarian raiders moved in and destroyed the colonies. Shepard is the only known survivor of the attack.  
When being assigned to the Normandy I went through all the crews personal history to see how I could best treat them. When I cam across Shepard's file what stuck me was the lack of information regarding the attack."

"Wouldn't that make sense he was just a boy at the time." Garrus became more vocal.

"Well yes and no. Usually adolescent history is not required if the soldier has family history within the Alliance. Shepard's parents were both colonist so there would be need to be some indication of his years before enlisting there was none. However it was reported an Alliance patrol found him and took him some where safe."

Miranda was surprised just how much the Doctor knew about Shepard. It was a comfort to know so many cared about his health. "So what happened after he was rescued? I assume there was more I mean Alliance brass would keep a close eye on him."

"That is the peculiar thing. When going over the report I found no more information on his childhood or of his parents. I find it hard to believe when we were at war with the Batarians that we did not pend an investigation in to his family or the attack on the colony. All the Alliance did was send in troops to take the colony back. Once we had safely secured the colony it was rebuilt and left it as if it never happened. I may be jumping to conclusions but it's like they wanted the attack to completely stop and draw no more attention to it."

Miranda's old operative instincts kicked in. "When I was with Cerberus we study the Alliance procedures for operations to evaluate how their command strategies worked and compared them with ours. To my surprise I found that we had something in common. In this scenario they would likely have covered up or lied about the attack in order to not expose what really happened."

"Miranda that seems a little bold to say." The long time-serving Doctor added. She was proud to serve the Alliance but could see where Miranda was coming from.

"Karin I understand your commitment to the Alliance. Yet you can not argue with the fact that they have done this before. They covered up the existence of the Reaper's when Sovereign practically pounced around the entire Citadel.

Doctor Chawkwas knew Miranda was correct. Unlike most of the former crew who did not like Shepard working with Cerberus and being close to Miranda. Karin believed they were perfect for each other. She saw how much the couple effected one another.  
Shepard was more happy and seemed less secluded with his thoughts and Miranda shown more of her true self she became a person that the Doctor came to care very much for.

"Yes you are right. I may not like the fact but it is true the Alliance have been known to cover up details that could other wise compromise humanity."

With a small chuckle Garrus said. "Don't worry Doc all the galaxy runs that way."

"Well be that as it may I don't see what we can do. If what we belive is true then we need to find out what happened. I will see what I can find out."

"Of course Karin thank you so much. you've been a tremendous help with all of this." The former Cerberus operative said as she gave the Doctor a hug.

"Oh well you're welcome Miranda. I advice you to just keep an eye on him and as for you I can see your not getting much rest."

"Yes I will as soon as I have helped him with what ever is going on."

Placing a hand on her shoulder the Doctor said. "Just remember Miranda to take care of yourself. Garrus has offered to help out in any way he can. Your not alone okay?"

"I will thank you again Karin." The Doctor took her leave and Miranda made her way to the kitchen to clench her thirst. Garrus followed.

"So what move should we make?"

Pouring a glass of water Miranda answered with a huff. "I don't know. If the Alliance have been hiding what happened on Mindoir then things will prove difficult for us."

"When have they ever been any other way." Miranda laugh at the Turians comment.

"Garrus I have to ask. How did you know it was Mindoir?" As she asked this question Miranda could see Garrus stiffen.

"I've known him for over three years now. In that time we've both seen a lot of crap that most don't see in a life time or, in his case two. And In that time you get to know a person and you begin to trust them. Shepard he ask me once how I got in to the C-Sec I answered then I asked him how he got in the Alliance."

The Turian paused for a moment. Thinking to herself Miranda could not have agreed more with what Garrus was saying. She spent two years of her life rebuilding Shepard. Afterwards she tried her best to keep him focused on the mission. However much to her dismay Shepard kept trying to get to know her. When she finally cracked she begun to see more of herself than she thought was there Miranda developed a trust for him.  
There after that trust founded emotions of affection stated to make their presence known. Once Shepard helped Miranda save Oriana she could not help but admit to herself she cared for him. This was the influence he had on people he could change the viewpoint of an entire army if he wanted to do so. It amazed Miranda about how little she knew her true self. Josh shown that she had a side that was worth showing.  
To this day the only regret Miranda has is that it took her this long to realise it.

"So what did he say?" A slight break in her voice came through.

"He said a soldier part of an Alliance patrol found him."

"Who was the soldier? Maybe we can find out and ask him what really happened."

"He can't he's dead." A rugged voice appeared from the bedroom door in the living room.

A chill arose up Miranda's spine. She knew the voice was Shepard's and she recognized the tone.

"Josh I was just...How much did you hear."

"Enough to know you're talking about Mindoir. The soldier that rescued me from my home. Why? If you wanted to know more about my history than ask me or just leave the past in the past." He said the words as if they caused him physical pain.

Miranda could see the hurt and anger in Shepard's eyes. Garrus felt out of place and decided it was best if he left. Shepard did not seem to acknowledge his departure. His eyes never left Miranda's. She had no idea how long he had listened to her and Garrus talk about him.  
With the cabin empty he closed the distance.

"Josh how could I ask you about that? Why would I want to. All it would have done is cause you pain."

"You seemed pretty interested when we first met." Hey take it easy she's just trying to help! He thought to himself he knew it was wrong to say but he felt pissed. He wanted Miranda to be honest with him.

"Don't you dare pull that on me! All I'm trying to do is help you and you're pushing me away just like you always do." Miranda closed the distance even more. "Why must you always insist on doing everything by yourself!"

"Because it's the only way other's wont get hurt! Don't you understand?" Shepard broke off and walked over to the glass doors by the balcony that over looked the lake. "It was Anderson okay. He was the one that rescued me."

Pain hit Miranda right in the chest. She only met Anderson a couple of times but she knew he ment a lot to Shepard. It became more apparent why he was so angry. At first she thought it was because of her she felt like such an idiot.

"You never told me that before." Well duh Miranda why would he? The man saved him from his burning home who would want to talk about that. She said in her mind.

"I didn't want you to know." He said back still to her facing the lake. "Miri it's not I don't trust you I do but when thinking about what happened. It well causes what you saw there. All I feel is anger all I wont to do is find who murdered my family and make them suffer. It scares me." Miranda walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around his chest. She could feel his heart beat rapidly from his large abs.

"It scares you to think about them?" She asked resting her chin on his shoulder.

He turned to face her his hands now wrapped around her waist. "No it scares me because I lose my humanity. I'm afraid of what I'll do if I find them and what I will become as a result of that." Miranda looked into his eyes and saw a side of him she never did before. This man this soldier who everyone thought to be invincible was terrified. In a strange way Miranda was glad to see him like this. Because she knew that he would only express himself in such a way to someone he truly cared and trusted.

"I know it's difficult Josh thinking about what happened. Maybe if you were to talk to someone like Kelly I am sure she would be happy help." Although Miranda thought it would be a good idea she didn't like the fact that Kelly always flirted with Shepard when she was helping them go after the Collectors.

"No I'm not being evaluated by anyone! I don't want to talk about what happened." In an instance his old self reappeared.

This time Miranda's anger began to rise. "Stop being so bloody stubborn! For once just listen to me and what I have to say."  
He could not belive what Miranda just said. "Okay fine you really want to know why I don't feel like talking about it?" Miranda stood back looked him straight in the eye and said plainly.

"Yes"

"Every single night, ever single time I shut my eyes I have to relive that. I have to see my father die right in front of me helpless to do nothing whilst I see a man, whose face my mind does not want to recognize puts a knife into his throat and I have to watch as his life slips away. That is why I don't want to talk about it and its only thing I will say about that day because that alone is enough for anyone to never want to talk about again. I am not going to relive that do you understand Miranda?"

"Fine" Was all she said so coldly without emotion.

What Shepard had just told her mad her feel weak and numb she never had a family that cared about her only a sadistic monster of man who only saw her as an asset than as a daughter. Miranda did not know what to do cry or, storm off in the end she did both. No more words were said after she stormed out into their bedroom. Shepard just stood there in the center of living room fist clenched. He was pissed but not at Miranda he could never be angry at her for just trying to help.

_She's right I am being stubborn. This is hard for her too Josh damn it! At least you had a father who saw you as a son and not some sick legacy. She is here for you and every time someone tries to get close you push them away. Go to her._

With a sigh as he ran his hands through his hair he walked across the room and was now staring at their bedroom door. he was ready to tell the love of his life the truth if she wanted to hear it. In all honesty he just wanted to make her feel better at the moment. There would be time to tell her about what happened and now he was exhausted and just wanted to hold Miranda to feel her skin on his. He was not going to do that just staring at the door so he knocked the door hoping she would hear him out.

"What do you want?" Her voice was broken up as if she was crying. This made him regret acting as if Miranda did not have his trust and understanding of what it was like to see one you care about die in front of you. He vowed to show her that was not true she deserves happiness much more than I do. He thought to himself.

"I'm so sorry Miri it's not fair that I take it out on you. All you've done since...well since you brought me back is trying to help me ever since we met all you've done is care about my well-being."

Miranda who was sat on the bed with her fists resting on her cheek smiled and thought. _Really he's apologizing to me? Miri you really did strike gold with this one._ "I don't think that is entirely true. We both know I was a bitch back then." She said as she got up and opened the door to find him with water in his eyes.

Josh began to laugh a little. "Wait was?" He said with a sly grin.

Miranda gave him a playful slap on the arm. "Haha very funny."

Scilence fell the couple just stared at one another at what felt like hours. Josh knew that this was going to be a long story and that it may change the way Miranda see's him. But he was hoping that was not true. Miranda looked strait in to his blue eyes that always seemed to put her in a trance. She noticed the expression on his face and that he was fidgeting with his hands. She knew ever he was about to say would be very important. Miranda discovered this long ago about him.

"I want you to know what happened. It's not fair I keep you blind to that part of my life you deserve to know. I've never told anyone my side of the attack before. But I think you deserves the truth when ever you ready."

A wave of love hit Miranda and she moved in to kiss him as time seemed to slow the pair expressed their love for each other. Miranda broke off and smiled to him. "When ever your ready Joshua I will be here no matter what."

Shepard knew Miranda only called him by his full name when she was either really angry or when she was really happy. Judging by the reaction he just got well he thought she was pretty happy. Seeing the look of love in her glistening sapphire eyes Josh didn't want to upset her with his history just yet. Part of him knew he wanted to avoid it but he also wanted to enjoy the peace he and Miranda had because he didn't really know how long before everything that just happened would repeat its self.

"Miri for now I just want to enjoy this moment with you before it goes away. So Ms. Lawson" He said as he picked Miranda up in his arms which made Miranda laugh out. "Shall we?"

Miranda knew they would need to talk about what happened to him more. But with the look on his face that made her heart ache well she also just wanted to enjoy the moment.

"Yes we shall." With this the pair made their way to their bedroom where they could reconcile and enjoy the peace while they inevitably knew it would not last. Old wounds have a way of making them selves known in the worst of times. Yet he knew no matter what Miranda was going no where she would be right at his side facing the obstacles ahead and he would not have it any other way.


	3. Chapter 3

Slowly opening his eyes Shepard felt a wave of relief. _Yes no nightmares!_ Looking beside him to see Miranda in a peaceful dream he was bombarded by feelings of love, compassion and above all gratitude.  
He believed he was the luckiest man in the galaxy to find a woman who wanted to stand by him no matter what. To face all the demons and torments of his past together. He was a lucky man indeed.

Slowly crawling out of bed as to not wake her he made his way to the bathroom. After having a quick shower and brushing his teeth Shepard took a long good look in the Mirror,  
He noticed something a cut on his cheek that he had no knowledge of having. As he ran his finger down the now open wound Shepard could feel his face on fire. Clawing and ripping at his now tissue like skin he was in horror at what he was witnessing. His skin and flesh were gone nothing remained at what the man everyone knew to be Shepard. Hesitantly looking up to see the atrocity he had just committed, Josh saw a mechanical face as if he were a husk. Skin, bone and all features that made him human were gone and replace by a metallic shell of his former self.

A evil and deep voice came over that echoed through the entire environment.

"We built you we made you serve us!" Josh was flung against the mirror. He could feel Shards of glass embedded in his back as the unknown force pushed more and more against him. The morning sun began to grow dark all forms of color left the world he knew, as a figure appeared in the bathroom doorway.

He could scarcely make out who it was until a flicker of light emitted from the now destroyed bathroom ceiling. It was Miranda. With each step she took, Josh's heartbeat increased. When her nose was nearly touching his, a smile appeared on her face. This was not a smile of joy or hope but, a smile that indicated pain was about to be made.

"Miri help me please! Whats going on are you..." As his last word escaped his mouth Shepard's worst nightmare was staring right at him. He looked in terror as the woman he loved had become the abomination he so desperately thought so hard to prevent. Looking at the unknown figure all features that made Miranda herself were replaced with devices of unnatural material.

Gasping for air Josh awoke to a sweet yet concerned voice.

"Josh...Josh please wake up!" Miranda was on top of him shaking his shoulders to wake him from his nightmarish slumber. Thinking that wasn't enough Miranda went in to slap Josh when she was caught by the wrist.

"Wait wait I'm up!" He said as he was gripping Miranda's wrist" Miri...please tell me that its you." He said with a tone of fear and plead. The dream he had just experienced moments ago were already bringing up multiple question to him.

He was worried what it meant or was it foreshadowing something he did not know. What ever it was he had to make sure that he was awake. Rushing out of bed to check in the mirror for any signs of dis-configuration or marks on his face but he was stopped by a concerned voice.

"Josh whats wrong?" Miranda asked with a tone that would break most men.

Ignoring Miranda's question Shepard ran straight for the bathroom I sure as hell hope this is not a dream. looking in the mirror everything seemed ordinary no cuts or bruises Although Shepard did look like hell the lack of sleep thanks to his nightmares were taking toll on the man pretty hard. Damn Josh you look like shit. Washing his face in some water he decided to run a shower.

"Is everything alright in there Josh...Josh please talk to me." The constant thump at the door was being ignored as the tears streamed down his face. A nightmare was the perfect word to describe the experienced he had just witnessed. The intensity the realism of having to see the woman you love be transformed into a mere shadow of her former self was terrifying to say the least.  
Heart still racing from moment before he continued to study his face in the mirror. Suddenly as if from no where Shepard's rage emitted and his fist met with the glass. Shards broke off some in the air others now in the tired soldiers hand. A short roar and then smash followed as skin met glass. That was it Miranda biotic's flared just a little and flung the door open. As soon as this happened Shepard rolled back in to a defensive position on the opposite side of the ground. Miranda looked at him with confusion Her eyes darting from the now broken mirror to the well broken man.

"Joshua please calm down. It's okay look your safe." Miranda eased in slowly to the Commander who was still bent on one knee with his forearms in a pose as if to defend himself and another perhaps, His environment became fuzzy and the now burned down street slowly dispersed and the cabin bathroom reappeared as if from no where. Wait I was just... Whats going on!  
Looking around to see Miranda right in front of him cupping his hands in hers confusion came over him. Shepard slowly stood up feeling a little groggy. "Are you okay?" He asked as Miranda helped ease him up to feet. "Me? I think I should be asking you that. Here sit down." Feeling a sicking turn in his stomach Shepard rushed straight for the toilet were he through up continuously. Miranda rushed to his side and place on had on his shoulder and another on his arm.  
"Easy it's okay" After several minute of empty the contents of his stomach Shepard led against the cold yet reliving floor of the bathroom. Miranda joined him never once leaving his side.

"I take it this wasn't the shore leave you were expecting huh?" He asked eyes closed.

"Very funny always trying to lighten up the mood." As silence filled the room Miranda started to speak. "I've never seen you like this? I mean has this ever happened before the throwing up, the thrashing in your sleep?" She asked as the concern grew and grew.

He knew that Miranda would want answers it was unfair to leave her in the dark. That moment for the first time in a year did he realize how much she didn't know about him.

"Yeah a couple of times."

Wanting to know more Miranda asked.,,"When did they occur?"

A small sigh left him and he answered "After I was rescued, Anderson took me aboard the SSV London gave me cabin a small one but it was comfortable I guess. Couldn't sleep much as you can expect. Throwing up ever night, when I did sleep it wasn't for long. I'd wake up screaming in agony for no reason Anderson would rush in try to calm me down. He did his best with me you know. Tried to be a father figure wasn't easy but he tried."

Shepard began to trail off to months prior when the final push commenced Having to pull the trigger on the man that took you in as your own and raised you was well terrifying to him.  
He never meant too, the Illusive man had some kind of biotic upgrade from the Reapers that made him able to control Shepard. Anderson's last moments echoed through his mind.

_"You ever wonder how things would have been different? How our live would have been different had this never happened? I never had a family Shepard, never had children."_

_He could see the man was reaching his end. Josh answered back to keep him going. "There will be time for that now."_

_He answered back in disbelief. "I think that ship has sailed. What about you? Ever think about settling down?"_

_ The question had always been on his mind for a long time. Shepard never really believed he would ever be able to after Mindoir after his family had been taken away from him. _

_Shepard replied "I'm a soldier Anderson like you. Not really fit for doing anything else."_

_Although the thought became more after meeting Miranda. Anderson never wanted a life for Shepard to be in the Alliance to see more death. Yet Shepard would not allow it he wanted to change want had bee done at Mindoir. He wanted to make sure that no one should have to go through what he did so he devoted his life to protecting others and he still does to this day. He remember Anderson answering back in disbelief at what he said. _

_"Sure you would."_

_"Yeah I like the sound of that. I'm not sure I'd be much good at it though?"_

_"I don't know Shepard I'd think you'd make a great dad."_

_Laughing he just said "uh huh." But Anderson knew he would be great at it._

_"Think how proud you kids would be, telling everyone there dad is Commander Shepard!"_

_"I don't know about that...not everything I've done is something to be proud of." He never believed that he was perfect that everything he had done was good. But Anderson knew he was the greatest man he had ever known, and with his last breath his said._

_"You did good son you did good, I'm proud of you." _

"You okay?" Miranda's voice broke him form his past. She saw he was thinking about something that obviously was painful because the expression on his face showed it.

"Uh yeah sorry I uh was just...no I'm not Miri. I killed him the man that raised me like son. Who never gave up on me and always believed me without a moments hesitation...I shot him. And you know what his last words were? "I'm proud of you." Why? Everyone I care about dies ever single person I know has had pain inflicted on them because of me! And he said he was proud. I just cant see why? My parents were good honest people, who never harmed anyone, my brother was just a boy and they were killed like animals. I saw my father bleed to death my mother burned in are own home and I told my little brother to run as I tried to fight them to protect him. But I failed at that. For several day they kept me alive so they torture me. Laughing and smiling as I cried out for help and pleaded them to stop. After a week they left me for dead. I could not feel anything after awhile, my home my family my friends dead. And then he came. The man who rescued me and taught me to control my anger and fears. I shot they should not be dead...I should."

She was speechless. Commander Joshua Shepard the man believed to be invincible, was broken before her. Miranda could not hold her tears and neither could he. She took his head and rested it on her lap.

"I'm sorry..I'm so so sorry." Was all she could manage to say at the moment. He led there and cried into her lap letting out the years upon years of pain he had been caused. After several minutes he calmed down, sat up and looked her in her eyes.

"I've never spoken about that." His voice was quiet. "Thank you for being here. It's a relief to have someone here with me."

"I'm not going anywhere I'm right where I want to be. Now let me help you with your hand."

The specter was confused at Miranda words until he looked down and saw blood dripping of his hand and glass still stuck in. He forgot about it completely. The pair stood and made there way to the kitchen. Shepard sat down on the table whilst Miranda fetched some bandages.

He began to laugh. "Your always patching me up." Miranda smiled at the joke as she returned to the table.

"Well if I didn't then who would?" She said as she begun to pick the shards out from his hands. "I know that was hard for you. I had no idea that's what really happened. Its just." Her hand began to shake as she tried to help his injured hand. Josh noticing this placed his hand on hers.

"Miri you wanted to help me I get that. And don't think just because you saw me like that, that it did not help. Because in all honesty I needed to do that I needed to tell someone. There is more some I remember some I don't. I cant promise you that I'll be rid off that. But you want me to get help I do it. I'll see someone."

"Thank you." She said as she continued working on his hand."Why don't you give Garrus a call maybe you could relax a bit."

"What about you?"

"I'm feeling a little bit tired I did not get much sleep." She didn't realize what she said."I mean um sorry." Looking up at him with a sad expression only to find him smiling.

"Miss Lawson as blunt as ever. Don't worry I know what you mean. I forget that I'm not the only one that going through this."

Miranda having finished with his hand kissed the commander and said."We are a team we're in this together."

With a huge smile across his face he said. "Damn right we are!" Shepard left to go see Garrus, who was also staying close by to keep an eye on his friends. Once he left Miranda Immediately when to there bedroom and picked up her console to research the Mindoir attack.

After several hours of hacking through Alliance firewalls and using some of Shepard own codes which she acquired using her operative training Miranda had found some very disturbing files on the attack. As she read on and on her fear rose and rose. She found data data vids and began to play one of them.

_This is Commander David Anderson of fire team one, the boy Joshua is currently being treated. His wounds are severe he has received multiple broken bones and fractures to his body. Not to mention the physiological damage that has been done to him. I can't believe what I saw my best friend dead throat cut and family destroyed. He was good man the best I had ever known he didn't deserve this none of them did. I know who did this and they'll pay...one day they'll pay. As for the boy I can't be certain he'll remember the mans face he talks about him. Says he sees him in his dreams I cant imagine what that's like. I don't think he'll remember I don't want him too. I've seen in his eyes something I haven't before. He's seen death at an early age I pray he will be alright. If he's anything like his father he will be. I would tell the boy about his father but that would make thing worse. Maybe he should know, but those who served with him will. I will take the boy I owe his dad that much, he must never know what really happened to them. I fear that it may cause him to do something he will regret. I cant shake that look he gave me when he talked about their leader. Hackett Thinks we should go after them, make them pay. That's not what he would have wanted. I think the boy needs us and I'll take full responsibility for him. He must never know what happened. This is Commander David Anderson signing off._

Attached to the vid was a service record for a one Stephen Shepard. In there was a photo of a man that looked very similar to Josh, but without hair and a full beard instead of stubble His record contained all of his information, but there was very little.

_Name: Shepard, Stephen_

_Birth/death: April 27th, 2122/ March 9th 2170_

_Rank: Captain, N7_

_Service: 16 years honorably discharged after years of service to the Alliance _

Miranda could not believe what she was reading. Everything Shepard had known about his father was wrong further more there was only one person alive who knew the truth...Hackett. Miranda began to call on her Omni-tool. Anderson's last words were echoing through her mind as she dialed. _He must never know._ She did not know what to do but for now she needed to talk to someone. Looking at the photo who was the father of the savior of the galaxy Miranda was sad to see that all remained of him was a file. She wanted to know why his name was erased from official Alliance records. And stored in a top-secret archive. _He deserves better than this!_ She though to herself. Now Miranda was on a mission to help find the truth of Mindoir and help Shepard with his demons.


End file.
